Microsoft Jokes

Microsoft Motors THE TOP TEN WAYS THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF MICROSOFT BUILT CARS

A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. You would accept this as part of the privilege of owning a car.
You could only have one person at a time in your car (unless you bought a Car '95 or a Car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.)
You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but only ran on two percent of the roads.
The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" error warning light.
People would get excited about the "new" features of Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available for years from other car makers.
We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas(tm).
New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting
a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that
ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in
your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured
by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this
is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <\mstv.dinn.//08.5min50%heat// Then enter: If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will recognize the MS TV Dinner, configure itself, and cook the dinner automatically.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat, and cook the dinner precisely.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

What if Bill Gates Ran NASA:
10) "We come in peace" replaced by "We come to make money."
9) New slogan: "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." (Oh, I'm sorry, that's the Borg slogan.)
8) The first 2 or 3 Revisions of all equipment (rocket, space suit, etc.) kills its operators.
7) Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." Mission Control: "Please hold for Tech Support, and have your credit card number ready."
6) Hubble Space Telescope flaw described as "a feature, not a bug"; astronomers told to squint.
5) U.S. actually second to land men on the moon; had to wait for somebody else to do it first so we could copy them.
4) General public still believes NASA was first thanks to superior marketing.
3) Mars Pathfinder misses planet due to Pentium FDIV bug.
2) Instead of actually building the International Space Station, NASA just buys the Russian space program and renames Mir.
And the number one way things would be different if Bill Gates ran NASA...
1) After buying Mir and upgrading its systems with NASAsoft Windows 95, the on-board computer crashes twice as often.

The difference between GM and Microsoft is that when GM finds a defect in its cars, it recalls all of them for a free repair, while when Microsoft finds a bug in its software, it offers you a $75 dollar upgrade.